Feeling tired, broke and fat
It's two weeks to go till my OSCE, I feel very stressed, I am broke as hell and I just want to wake up on christmas day when it's all over and I can relax.
I'm trying to do relaxing things, i'm trying to do lots of things to take my mind elsewhere and be distracted. Yesterday I went to see a film (The Florida Project) with my friend Katie (non-medic). It was an awesome film, we had dinner out - and hence I consumed about 3000 calories more than I should have - and then she popped in for a brew.
Yesterday morning I had a 'Breaking Bad News' practice and it went horrifically. "What went well?" the tutor asked and I just broke down, in tears, in front of my whole group. Nothing. This was an instinctively negative and immediate reaction I was having and I know it wasn't all bad but at that point, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I can't be fucking it up this badly with just two weeks to go.
I don't want to do any revision any more. I don't want to think about how to improve, I don't want to go over the examinations for a millionth time, I don't want to do anything.
I'm really tired this morning. I'm tired of constantly working through a list of things I need to revise, a list that i'm adding to every, single, damn, day. I'm tired of being in a calorie deficit. I'm tired of thinking about exercising and burning calories so I can achieve the weight loss I so desperately want to achieve.
I don't want to check my bank balance, I don't want to scrimp to have a nice dinner with my friend so I can get out of the house and just do something different. I'm having very first world problems but I am tired of them.
I want to lie down, on the sofa, curled up and not move. I want to start the day, the week, the month again from the beginning. I want to start all over again but I also want it all to be over.