Tuesday, 2 September 2014

10 days to go

Officially 10 days, 11 sleeps to go before I move into university and I am so. frickin. excited.

Sure, i'm anxious and all that too but I think I have been out of work for so long it will be nice to finally do something.

My only (ha, I say only: what I mean is, these are the things keeping me awake at night) concerns are

  • The workload. I recently found out that someone I once knew very well (we're talking, 4 offers, 750+ UKCAT, attained AAA barely flinching) got kicked out of this very medical school. She failed semester 2, resat, failed again and was given the boot. This has scared the living daylights out of me, if my genius pal couldn't do it, why oh why am I even bothering? Yes, I realise this is a pretty poor attitude to have, as there could be many reasons behind this but this does not stop the ever lasting thought that I am just not good enough for this. I scraped my way in and may be I got 7 good rejections for a reason.
  • The money. So I was worried a few weeks ago about the money situation right? As I said, I knew going from working gal to broke student was never going to be easy but it was making me very uncomfortable not having a reliable source of income and a student loan which didn't even cover my accommodation let alone keeping me alive. I began to get my shit together, to organise meal plans (all I'm saying is Week 1 Sunday evening is fish fingers, mash and peas night and I am already looking forward to it :D ) really get my head in the right place for this. Then my dad was made redundant. 
If I was shitting myself before, I am now shitting for the whole of China. I'm not kidding, when I found out I had to take 2 immodium so that I could get my backside off the toilet [please note, that my work as a HCA has genuinely made me fearless talking about bowel movements. I can talk consistency, variations, wind:movement ratio, you name it. I know the frickin scale off by heart. For those interested, I would say I was going about a 5]

Cue the absolute mayhem in applying for a change of circumstance form for student finance.

(Perhaps unusually) I, even as the middle child of of a 5 person family, do feel a lot of the burden about money matters. I think I was always aware of it growing up even though I felt rather privileged. May be that's testament to my mom for providing an environment that I was aware of how much much things costed but never felt like we were on the breadline. Nevertheless I have grown to let it stress me out, I felt like a drain on the income (I wish my brother would feel more like this, may be he would get off his fat backside and get a job) I didn't feel comfortable unless I was aware of savings and I could calculate every expense we had on at least a quarterly basis. So now my dads been made redundant, I actually feel sick with stress. I cry as I write this because I feel so helpless.

Student finance again would barely cover my accommodation even with the change of circumstance and accounting for me and my brother both at university. We'd be eligible for approx a £500 grant for the year.
I want to work because I want the security of not having to rely on any body else to support me or my career. I want to unburden my stressed, old, fragile mom.
I don't want to work because far more important to me (and what I was coming to terms with was), I want to be able to give absolutely everything I can to my degree, to my experiences (in and out of university) and to know that I gave myself the best shot and wasn't limited by lack of time due to work commitments.



Either way it looks like I may not even have a choice any more.

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