Neuroscience is incredibly interesting and I have grown to love it. Neuroanatomy will forever be something I remain in the dark with though, ha! This week I'll be revising the last few cases and hopefully getting myself organised for the last 2 weeks of term! Yesterday I had a PPD meeting (for my portfolio) but I can't help in thinking that it is just the most useless, tick boxing exercise I have ever been forced to do. Standards are kept incredibly high though, because if it's not done, you can literally fail the preclinical years and be asked to leave. The whole course. Forever. I've also learnt that tutors thoughts on it vary hugely too - some tutors literally only check to see if it's there without reading it, or commenting. Others (like mine) read every word, every punctuation error and have no trouble letting me know that it's despicable.
I'm going to be attending an extra practise session on drug dilution later too. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this was a struggle last time. It wasn't so much the work that was hard or calculations; it was being put back into this ultra-competitive, cut-throat, high intensity world I was once in, back at my obnoxious grammar school. It was literally a matter of completing a few calculations, observing a practical and then doing the practical. But from the minute we had our books out; it was like the race was on! People left, right and centre bellowing across the room"Have you done this question yet?!"
"Mate are you on 9 yet?!"
"What did you get for 6?"
"I didn't get that! I got this!"
"I got that too!"
"Oh my god thank god I thought I was doing it wrong!"
"How did you get that?"
Across the fucking lab. If you want to race ahead in your narrow, tunnel focus like vision, fucking hell, go ahead. Just don't put that pressure that you've put on yourself onto the people around you.
It honestly took me back to GCSE math days where I just couldn't cope with people's lack of consideration for anyone in the room that might be struggling, might not want to hear them scream the answer out before they've got to it, or be saying about 6 different numbers a minute to confuse the fuck out of you even more. It was the exact sort of behaviour that instilled this general feeling of constant inadequacy into me, that I was not good enough, never would be good enough and may as well stop trying rather than try to keep up and embarrass myself. Honest, to God, this was not okay.
Besides that, I've started working at Waitrose which has actually been a really warm welcome into my life. I love it, it hasn't impacted my work too hard so far I don't think, and i'll definitely be glad for the extra cash this Christmas! Got 2 shifts this week and I don't mind that one bit. It's a bit annoying having a 0830 start on a Sunday but I honestly cannot complain so far. It seems like I've got a really good team, the shifts go by really quick and it's nice to be out of the house.
Last night I was also reflecting with my best friend about how far we'd come. This time last year, I really was not in a good place at all. Was contemplating my degree, the career I'd chosen, wasn't really doing well in any aspect of my life, was constantly making a string of bad decisions and yet here I am now. Happy, young, working hard, pushing myself further, being a better person. Growing. I love it. And i'm going to appreciate every second of it, because it will pass like everything else does, only this time, i'll be okay with it when it does.