10 days

till results!! Can't believe how fast the time has gone these past couple of weeks. Mind you, when July started I thought we'd never get here. Feeling more and more jittery about it as the day draws nearer, somehow convincing myself of all the reasons I have missed my grades. I just want it over with more than anything - I'm not even excited any more.

Hopefully though, if I get my grades, I can get back to being excited about reapplying. At the minute, every time I look through the universities' new prospectus for 2014, I feel completely forlorn. Like heartbreakingly so, and I'm not sure why. I'm giving it another shot, you don't know how things might turn out this year, even if I don't get in I'm still going to have a brilliant year.... and yet I just feel so upset whenever I start looking at Universities again.

In the mean time I have been really busy at the hospital. I'm in my 3rd week, and even though I'm still labeled as "supernumerary," I am expected to do a lot more alone. Today I made my first big mistake. I was helping to sort out a patient who had irritable bowel syndrome, who was basically releasing diarrhea like there was no tomorrow, and I was alone in trying to help him clean up, get some fresh pyjamas on, and make sure he was clean and dry. I have provided him with the commode, but he isn't particularly comfortable, and just as I am helping him to stand for a wiping, a nurse who started today, asks me to see patient in another bay. The HCA meant to be on that bay has accompanied another patient to a CT scan. She is renowned for being lazy.

I ask AJ if he minds if I just dart off real quick to see this other patient. He says it's fine, that he just doesn't want to sit on the commode any more, but please can I hurry up as he doesn't want to stink the place out and leave this brown mess on him. I jog on to see this woman in the other bay, she is sitting on a bed pan, and as I go to remove it, I see she has also soaked her sheets. I imagined the other HCA would be seeing to her soon as we are all doing washes in the morning, and so I throw under a few dry towels, and help her into a gown before apologising as I have to return to my other patient before he releases any more poo.

I am later called into the office by head sister on the ward.
"Bed 6 was pretty upset that you left her like that, you can't just say your not working in that bay and walk off," she starts
"Sorry, I was just dealing with a patient who had diarrhea everywhere and I wanted to get back to him as quickly as I could," - I somehow managed to completely forget to point out that I didn't know the HCA on that bay had taken a patient to a CT, and I thought she was doing the washes in that bay anyway, so she would be seen too ASAP. I also managed to forget to point out that she said she was fine when I left her...
"Yeah I saw you put towels down, but you can't do that. We don't do that. You have to change all the bed sheets,"
"Yeah your absolutely right, fair enough," I said trying to get this conversation to end as quickly as I could.

And that was it. I was so annoyed at myself later when I thought I really didn't explain the circumstance properly, and she was right, I should have just changed all the sheets, but she had yet to be washed and I thought the HCA who was actually meant to be doing those, would be along soon. Moreover, I have been here 2 weeks, 5 shifts, I am still classed as supernumerary and therefore technically I am still someone who is "shadowing," just like the brand new nurse who started today who is "shadowing," and thus, shouldn't be getting called to other peoples emergencies just yet.

I was both upset and annoyed, and just feel like I've had a really fucking crap shift.