Saturday, 28 February 2015

I PASSED

Trust my group to be the one that gets to be on clinical placement the morning of our results. We all had a quiet agreement before hand not to make a big song and dance about it, that those of us who wanted to check would do so quietly and there wouldn't be this "but what exact percentile did you get?" shit that goes on. This was fortunate because even when I looked at my results, I got to pretend I hadn't yet, to allow me some time to process it before anyone else impounded their reaction onto me. I am becoming increasingly aware of how decisions you make can largely be influenced (or entirely) by the people around you and so (a bit like as I question my very decision to apply to do medicine in the first place) how do you really know what are 100% your feelings or decisions?

When I glimpsed down at my iPhone for all of 0.2 seconds just to read "Satisfactory" I didn't want the whole, "OMG, Congratulations!!" or "You must be made up!" "One step closer to becoming a doctor eh!" sort of reactions that people generically give. They imply I should be pleased about passing and what if I wasn't?

Turns out I was mostly relieved. Probably from not having to plan a resit. I did, I gave it some thought and tried to see whether really considering dropping out was something I'd like to move forward with. I still don't know. It's frustrating and annoying and all I want to do is make the best decision for me in the long run and I don't want to look back in 4 years and think, fuck me, why did I not get out when I still cou -   stop. I realised I can go back and forth on this all day and that's when I realised the only thing I can do for now is to do what I want to do for now. For as long as I am enjoying my degree, I will keep on at it - and I am. I mean don't ask me on a Friday afternoon before I put myself through 2 torturous hours of anatomy but I do. I am loving it. In the long term - yeah may be that isn't what I want any more, but I will have one of the best science backgrounds out there and I can do what I please with that. May be i'll dedicate my life to writing papers and working from home and doing what Emily Blunt does in that film 5 year Engagement or may be I'll travel the world with my work saving little babies lives or may be i'll chase the money for a bit and do whatever that takes.

Fuck it, I passed.

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