Wannabe Medic

Trust my group to be the one that gets to be on clinical placement the morning of our results. We all had a quiet agreement before hand not to make a big song and dance about it, that those of us who wanted to check would do so quietly and there wouldn't be this "but what exact percentile did you get?" shit that goes on. This was fortunate because even when I looked at my results, I got to pretend I hadn't yet, to allow me some time to process it before anyone else impounded their reaction onto me. I am becoming increasingly aware of how decisions you make can largely be influenced (or entirely) by the people around you and so (a bit like as I question my very decision to apply to do medicine in the first place) how do you really know what are 100% your feelings or decisions? When I glimpsed down at my iPhone for all of 0.2 seconds just to read "Satisfactory" I didn't want the whole, "OMG, Congratulations!!" or "You must be made up!...

I had 2 exams in January and they were both over within 4 days. I only arrived back at University the Friday before my Monday exam. I am not a crammer. I am not someone that can sit revising at the very last minute before an early morning exam scrambling through pages of notes hoping I'll read and memorise something crucial that will help me... I find those individuals make me so uncomfortable. They seem to relish that panic, that last minute "but oh my god, what's the name of that thing that Professor X said we really  must learn about, oh my god I've completely forgotten, oh my god I'm going to fail this exam and have to leave and then bring shame on my whole family and it's livestock and..." - no. Shut your face. I may have taken it to the other extreme, by barely doing anything the weekend before the exam. Not because I was quietly confident or knew I'd done as much as I could but actually, (and it's only now in hindsight do I realise this) ...